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Today, millions of Americans will cast their vote--the first step in our proud and noble tradition of granting the presidency to whichever candidate has the cleverest lawyers. As you sit glued to your TV, watching states turn from red to blue, and then back to red, and then to a kind of greenish mauve, here are some things to keep in mind:

• First, Ohio is the key to this election. No Republican has ever been elected president without winning Ohio. In fact, Ohio is the only state you need to pay any attention to. If you hear a newscaster so much as mention California--or, God forbid, Florida--it means he's a moron who doesn't know the first thing about this election. Change the channel immediately.


• Second, Florida is the key to this election. Every man, woman, child, and marsupial in Florida is given a super-secret magic ballot on the day they are born. These ballots are thirty feet tall and count the same as 3000 regular ballots. If Florida votes for Bush, it will grant him a nearly insurmountable lead, as well as the powers of flight and invisibility. If, on the other hand, Florida votes for Kerry, it lights a gigantic rocket under his ass that will blast him well ahead of Bush. Contrariwise, if the state is a statistical tie, it will cause a giant rift in the space-time continuum, sucking every living being on Earth into the icy void of space. Make sure you wear a sweater until the recounts are over.


• Third, just as this election has divided the citizens of the nation, so, too, has it divided the paragraphs of most essays covering it. In this particular essay, you should only pay attention to the odd-numbered bullet points. They are the key to understanding this election. Even-numbered bullet points are morons, and possibly covert Al-Queda operatives who are trying to get you to focus on non-essential states like Florida while they sneak into Ohio and elect Osama Bin Laden. Don't let them get away with it.


• Fourth, certain unsavory elements within the media--perhaps even within this very essay--might try to get you to pay attention to Ohio. Ignore them. Florida is home to many of the nation's most exciting and vibrant theme parks, whereas Ohio's state motto is, "The State With Lots Of Potatoes. No, Not Idaho. The Other One." Who do you want choosing your president -- a plucky and resourceful mouse who steered America through the depths of the great depression, or the very same tuber that killed millions of innocent Irishmen in the 19th century?


• Fifth, Ohio Ohio Ohio Ohio. I can't hear you, even-numbered bullet points! Na na na na I'm not listening.


• Sixth, Florida Florida Florida Florida Floria. Notice how the previous bullet point only said "Ohio" four times, but I said "Florida" five times? In close elections, turnout is vital. I win. Nya nya nya nya.


• Seventh, I demand a recount.

NOTE: The results of the recount are now in. It turns out that all the even-numbered bullet points are actually odd-numbered bullet points, and vice-versa. Please adjust your votes accordingly.

If you know of other decent, patriotic Americans who would like to know about this helpful election-day guide, click here to e-mail them a link to this page.