The Last Debate



Good evening. I'm Bob Schieffer, and I'd like to thank both candidates for joining me for this special fourth debate. By mutual agreement, candidates will not be allowed to address the issues facing our nation today. Instead, they will be judged solely on their ability to re-enact scenes from famous movies. Only genuine photos and video stills of the candidates may be used; no photoshopping or digital trickery is permitted. President Bush won the coin toss, so he'll go first. Mr. President?


"I know it was you, Fredo. You broke my heart. You broke my heart!"

A classic "Godfather" reference to start the evening--very nice, Mr. President. Senator Kerry? Your rebuttal?




I'll offer my response in a moment, but first, I'd like to talk about my plan for saving Social Security--




I'm sorry, Senator Kerry. There won't be any discussion of the issues tonight--just reenacting movies. These are the candidates' rules, folks. I'm just enforcing them.



All right. Well, thank you for moderating this debate, and I'd like to thank the President for participating, and I'd like to thank Devincible.Com for hosting it. I'd also like to thank Eadward Muybridge for pioneering stop-motion photography, and I'd like to thank the Lumiere brothers for developing that into motion pictures. Also, that guy who let me into the passing lane so I could get here on time, thanks. OK, here's my opening statement:



"Hi! I'm riding a bike, because I'm in that movie Breaking Away!"

Senator Kerry, that's not a very good movie imitation.



Well, to be honest, Bob, I'd really rather talk about policy. I only agreed to this movie thing because otherwise, President Bush refused to--



Again, Senator Kerry, I'm just enforcing the rules. I didn't make them. President Bush? Your turn.




"I coulda been a contender, Vice President Cheney, instead of a bum, which is what I am."

Ooh, "On The Waterfront!" Nice! Senator Kerry, your response?





"Yessir, you got trouble, my friends! Right here in River City! Trouble with a capital 'T' and that rhymes with 'B' and that stands for 'Budget deficit,' which my fiscal policies--"

Senator Kerry, once again, I must remind you. The President has agreed to be here only on the condition that there be no actual discussion of the issues. These rules which I am enforcing were not made by me (the moderator) but instead, by you (the candidates). President Bush?




"Weeeeeeeee're off to see the wizard! The wonderful wizard of Oz!"

Senator Kerry?





"Look at me! I'm Moses! I'm parting the red sea! Look at that sea part, as commanded by me, Moses, lead character in The Ten Commandments! There's a big gap in the middle of the sea, just like the several trillion dollar budget gap in the President's--"

Senator Kerry! Please!

In any case, it's time for the speed round. I'm going to name the movie the candidate has chosen, and they'll have to act it out without saying anything. President Bush has chosen to start with the Peter Sellers classic "Being There". President Bush--GO!



Very good, Mr. President. Senator Kerry has chosen to counter with "That ad where that guy dances to Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto."





Um, OK, I guess that counts. Next, President Bush has chosen "Being There."





Excellent. Senator Kerry, "Back To The Future."




å



Senator, please remember the rules: No actual celebrity guests. Don't forget, if A equals the set composed of "People who made these rules," and "B" equals the set composed of me, than the intersection of A and B is empty. Anyway, if that were an actual scene from "Back To The Future," Marty McFly would hardly be looking so friendly with Biff Tannen, would he? Unless you are meant to represent McFly's father. I guess that would work. Anyway, Mr. President, your next film is "Being There."




Amazing. Senator Kerry, would you like 30 seconds to rebut with your own "Being There" imitation?








Mr. President, can you counter with an even better "Being There"?








I think we all agree President Bus won this round. As a result, he gets to close the debate with his Grand Finale: the climactic Neo-vs-Agent-Smith battle from "The Matrix: Revolutions."





That concludes this fourth and final presidential debate. Thanks to both candidates for participating. Be sure to join us tomorrow for the official Vice Presidential Movie Imitation Debate, when we'll hear John Edwards say:




"And when you put your hand into a bunch of goo that a moment before was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do."

From Devincible.Com, I'm Bob Schieffer. If you know of other decent, patriotic Americans who would like to know about this debate, click here to e-mail them a link to this page. God bless you, and good night.